My Early Adventures As A Security Guard

This first section, below, is a compendium of excerpts from several
emails I originally sent to my friend, "Pablo", which I recently
compiled and sent to my brother, "Steve." Further sections will follow in the days ahead.

Think of this as sort of a college literary anthology, only without the high quality writing.


SECTION 1

Yo, Steve-a-reno!

Good videoconferencing with you tonight. The kids were all fired up,
as was I. Mrs. Sparky was so fired up that she slept through the whole
thing.

Anyway, as promised, here are excerpts from my previous security
experiences, as related to Pablo. Please note that these are
the unexpurgated versions. These contain adult language and
situations, and thus are not suitable for children, or our parents.

Plus, they kind of make me sound like an asshole.


July 16, 2006 -- The Saga Begins:

And so, when I picked up a copy of Jacksonville's weekly alternative
newspaper last week just after we arrived (and after getting over the
shock of realizing that we're now living somewhere that actually has
an alternative newspaper), when I saw an ad for some part-time jobs
that sounded like they'd be pretty entertaining, I seized the
opportunity, even though it's the sort of thing I never would have
considered doing before.

So, yesterday I drove out to a job fair at Alltel Stadium, and
successfully obtained a part-time job working for the Contemporary
Services Corporation. Assuming I successfully complete orientation
this Thursday night and then undergo a weekend of training, I will
become a Florida Class D Licensed Security Guard, and will work doing
"crowd management" at Jacksonville Jaguars pro football games. I'd
really wanted to go to the games but I was unwilling to pay to do it,
so now not only will I get to go to any games I want to, but I will
also be paid the princely sum of $7.50 an hour to do so. Woohoo!

Of course, I will also have the option to work other events (concerts,
the Gator Bowl, a local PGA tournament, and a local women's pro tennis
tournament), and they occasionally offer employees the option to be
bussed in to work at other venues and events, such as Falcons games in
Atlanta, Dolphins games in Miami, Florida Gators games in Gainesville,
and big events in Orlando. I will always have the option to work or
not work at any event, as I choose. And I will get to wear a bright
yellow shirt and/or jacket with "EVENT STAFF" emblazoned on it.

I could be wrong, but I think this is perhaps the most ridiculous and
fun job I've ever pursued. Free football games and shows! I can't
wait to be the guy in the yellow shirt hassling people at a Cher
concert.

July 24, 2006 -- The Excitement Builds

Meanwhile, I continue to progress towards obtaining my Florida Class D
Security Guard's License, which will enable me to work at Alltel
Stadium for the Jaguars games, etc. Pablo, don't be alarmed if someone
from the "Contemporary Services Corporation" or the Florida Division
of Licensure calls you -- I listed you as a personal reference. In
fact, I will be alarmed if you don't get called -- what kind of world
do we live in if they don't check references for security guards?!?

Anyway, I am hopeful that my first assignment will be working a
Melissa Ethridge concert in downtown Jacksonville. Not too shabby...
I may have to blatantly violate the company's "no fraternizing with
the stars" rule.


(Note to Steve -- I did not get to work the Etheridge concert. She
only needed three people from CSC -- the managers told me that she
preferred her own team. I thought, "How true..." And, in case you
were wondering, nobody from the Florida Department of Licensing ever
checked my references.)


August 22, 2006 -- Preseason home Game Number 1, Jags vs. Panthers,
Wherein Our Fearless Security Guard Does.. Well... Not Much Of
Anything.

I am employed, if you count my Jaguars Security Guard gig. I did that
for the first time this past Saturday, and it was quite the
experience. The managers seem to like me, which is theoretically
good, but they responded to that by sending me in a direction I didn't
quite intend upon. You see, I got picked from the throngs of
fellow-guards to be stationed at the Jaguar's players' gate and
parking lot. That's considered by most to be a primo assignment,
because it is ridiculously easy. I shit you not -- this was what I
was supposed to do -- stay near the players' entrance and parking lot
with the police officers, and if they have to go elsewhere to quell a
riot, I watch the players' entrance and cars. It's considered a great
assignment because, as you can probably guess, there tend not to be
any riots to quell, so you get to hang out with the cops, do nothing
at all, and get paid. That, plus you get to chat a little bit with
the players and their wives and/or girlfriends, and you don't have to
deal with drunken, obnoxious people. The Jags and their families were
uniformly charming and friendly. The wives/girlfriends were uniformly
thin and gorgeous. The Jags' cars were uniformly expensive and
impressive, to the point where I think you would have been in heaven.
But I was bored out of my f-----g mind, and it didn't help that my
area supervisor was a new person who had no idea that one of her
duties was to send someone over to relieve me and my fellow rent-a-cop
at the next lot over. So we stood out in the 90 degree heat for SIX
F------G HOURS without so much as a water or bathroom break. And, of
course, we couldn't see the game.

Be that as it may, I did have fun rapping with one of the cops at my
station, who is a senior DUI officer, as we watched the
fans leaving near the end of the game. We played "point out the
drunk." I got to be pretty good at it, if I do say so myself.

Anyway, despite the general pleasure of getting paid for doing
essentially nothing, and the opportunity to gaze at some fine
football-player-wife types, I've requested a different position for the
next game. Accordingly, this Saturday, I will be a "floater," which
means I'll be going around all through the stadium doing a little bit
of everything so the others can take their breaks.

August 29, 2006 -- Home Preseason Game 2 -- Jags v. Bucs, Wherein Our
Fearless Security Guard Again Does Not Make It Into The Stadium

I worked my second preseason pro football game last weekend, and
pulled a thirteen and a half hour shift. Take it from me, that's a
long time of standing around and looking tough. Yet somehow, I
managed. I had a rotating position, so I started out at the interior
employee checkpoint, moved on to the media gate, then to the media
concourse (where all the satellite trucks and directors' spots are),
then to the players' entrance, and then finished up at the employee
entrance. Disappointingly, I yet again did not get to actually be
inside the stadium during any part of the football game. I did,
however, get to frisk one of the Jaguars at the players' gate. (which
seemed to make Mrs. Sparky a little jealous -- but I'm not sure whether she was
jealous of me or of the guy I frisked.) From that, I've decided that
"frisking the Jaguar" would be a great euphemism, but I haven't
decided for what.

Working the employee gate was fun, because I got to see all my friends,
and because very few of the employees show up rude or drunk. That is
decidedly not the case for the fans' entrances, so it was pretty easy
duty that I had. The rules require that everyone entering the stadium
be frisked. That would not necessarily make my position unpleasant,
but for the all-important second part of that rule, which strictly
prohibits frisking members of the opposite sex. So basically, I spent
the evening patting down roughly 500 men. All the employees expect
that and deal with it pretty nonchalantly. But one guy did offer me a
"reach around."

This Saturday, I could have worked my first college game (the "Gateway
Classic" between Bethune Cookman and Southern, two historically black
colleges -- I would have loved the halftime show), but we are going to
have a family day instead.

The Sunday after that, the Jaguars regular season starts. The
scheduling supervisor told me I've been doing a great job, and so as
the Jags face the Cowboys, I will make my on-field debut. That's
right, Pablo -- I will be on the frickin' field for the next game.
My primary tasks will be to watch for items thrown from the stands,
and tackle and beat the shit out of anybody who tries to get on the
field. My secondary task will be to avoid being run over by the
occasional player who goes out of bounds. This can pose a challenge,
as our primary job requires us to be facing AWAY from the action on
the field. Although I'd prefer not to be grievously injured, I have
to confess that I find the idea of appearing in the video highlights
on Sportscenter ("Watch how Byron Leftwich LEVELS this unsuspecting
security guard as he's forced out of bounds!") somewhat compelling.